Starting with a few non-money ones that my wife recently dug up in her emails from a decade ago when I was trying to woo her over, haha….
AND IT WORKED!!
So bookmark these bad boys for when you need to impress, too!
Four fonts walk into a bar…
The bartender says “Get out! We don’t want your type in here!”
A guy went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I’m a teepee, then I’m a wigwam, then I’m a teepee, and then I’m a wigwam. It’s driving me crazy. What’s wrong with me?”
The doctor replied, “It’s very simple. You’re two tents.”
A duck walks into a bar and asks, “Got any grapes?” The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks, “Got any grapes?” Again, the bartender tells him, “No – the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes.” The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, “Listen, duck! This is a bar! We don’t serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!” The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, “Got any nails?” Confused, the bartender says no. “Great!” says the duck. “Got any grapes?”
And now for the money jokes :)
How does an accountant stay out of debt?
He learns to act his wage.
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t?
Did you hear about the dry cleaner who’s been accused of money laundering?
He’s ironing out a deal.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”
A preacher gets up one Sunday and announced to his congregation:
“I have good news and bad news…”
“The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program!”
“The bad news is, it’s still out there in your pockets!”
A devastated-looking man knocks on the door of a woman known for her charity.
“Please, ma’am,” he says when she opens up, “can you help this poor, tragic family down the block? The father just lost his job, and his wife is too ill to work. They’re about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone can pay their rent.”
“That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard in my life!” says the woman. “May I ask who you are?”
“I’m their landlord.”
A man being mugged by two thugs was putting up a tremendous fight. The thugs finally subdued him and promptly took his wallet.
Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said, “Why did you put up such a fight?”
To which the man replied, “I was afraid you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!”
A genie came to me and asked, “What’s your first wish?”
I answered, “I wish I was rich!”
The genie then says, “What’s your second wish, Rich?”
A frightened investor goes to his financial planner and asks if he’s at all worried about the volatility of the markets these days. The planner replies that he sure does! In fact, he says that he sleeps like a baby.
The frightened investor was amazed! “Really? Even with all the fluctuations?”
“Yup! I sleep for a couple of hours, and then I wake up and I cry for a couple of hours.”
An FBI agent was interviewing a bank teller after the bank had been robbed 3 times by the same bandit:
“Did you notice anything special about the man?” asks the agent.
“Yes,” replied the teller. “He was better dressed each time.”
Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
“Give me your money,” he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, “You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!”
“In that case,” replied the robber, “Give me MY money!”
On his deathbed, a wealthy man gathered his priest, his accountant, and his lawyer together. He had spent his life amassing a fortune and he couldn’t stand the thought of being parted with it.
He made each of them swear to withdraw 1/3 of his money and sneak it into his coffin at his funeral so that he would be buried with it. He died soon after.
Following the funeral the three men were walking back to their vehicles and began talking to each other about the deceased man’s odd request.
The priest said “Forgive me, for I have sinned. I withheld 10% of my portion of his fortune from his coffin so that I could help the poor.”
The accountant said “I too have not followed his instructions exactly. I withheld 20% of my portion of his fortune as compensation for my services.”
The lawyer said “Shame on you both! I followed his instructions perfectly: I left a check for my full portion in his coffin.”
And finally, because no jokes list would be complete without some Chuck Norris action:
“If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.”
Happy Weekend :)