Morning!
Hope you really like books, because I got another one to share with you again today! ;) As well as next week too! (My friends are on fire over here! Haha…)
Today’s focuses on something you don’t often hear too much about though, even though it’s a SUPER important conversation to have whether we want to have it or not :(
The book’s called “Mom and Dad, We Need to Talk: How to Have Essential Conversations with Your Parents About Their Finances“, and comes from financial expert Cameron Huddleston who personally went through this uncomfortable situation after learning of her mother’s Alzheimer’s.
Here’s more from her website:
I know how hard it can be to have conversations with your parents about their finances, but I also know how necessary they are.
My mom was 65 when she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease – I was only 35. I didn’t have any friends my age whose parents already were having memory problems or needing help with their finances. So I navigated the difficult process of talking to my mom about money issues on my own and eventually had to make all financial decisions for her.
This book draws on my experience as both a financial expert and a daughter who has had those essential money talks with a parent. Full of practical advice from my life, from others who’ve had the “talk,” and from financial, legal and elder care experts, Mom and Dad, We Need to Talk offers the following:
- Hope that these conversations can happen without being uncomfortable or unproductive through stories from those who successfully had the “talk.”
- A variety of conversation starters and strategies for people whose parents are reluctant to open up.
- Advice on what not to say.
- A detailed list of information to gather from parents and explanation of what legal groundwork needs to be in place.
- Tips on talking about more difficult topics such as long-term care.
- Cautionary tales from people who didn’t have conversations with their parents.
Designed for people at all income levels—wealthy, middle, and lower—the book helps anyone understand the ins and outs of their parents’ finances because they might have to help manage these finances one day. Mom and Dad, We Need to Talk is the essential guide for having productive financial conversations with parents that lead to meaningful action.
It comes out next week on the 25h (Tuesday), and you can learn more via Amazon here: Mom and Dad, We Need to Talk: How to Have Essential Conversations with Your Parents About Their Finances
(And if you’d like to pre-order it, you can grab yourself a free downloadable cheat sheet that gives you 10 excellent tips to review while you’re waiting for it to be shipped. More info on that here.)
Personally I haven’t had this talk as yet myself (my parents are still fairly young/healthy), but ever since they’ve retired we’re talking more and more about money and it’s been great. I even found out I’m the official executor of their estate, so they’re beating me to the punch here! ;)
I know this won’t be the case for everyone, though, so if you’re someone who desperately needs to have this conversation but don’t even know where to start, or how to go about it appropriately, this book might be the thing you need to gain that confidence.
To enter for a FREE copy of this book, answer the question down below and one of you will be the lucky new owner of it! Which I wish I could give to EVERYONE who needs it!
How long have you been waiting to have this “talk”? Has something specific spurred it, or do you just know it’s finally time to have it?
Drop your answers down below or via email, and we’ll randomly pick a winner after the weekend Monday morning, and then announce it here shortly thereafter. And for once it’s open to everyone *worldwide*!!!! Thank you Cameron + Publisher!! Haha…
Good luck, guys… Hope this was just the thing you’ve been looking for :)
(And congrats, C$!!)
UPDATE: Giveaway now over! Congrats to LeeAnne for winning the book! For everyone else I hope you’ll still consider picking it up or finding it at your local library! It hits shelves this week :)
*****
Links to book above are Amazon affiliate links…
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How long have you been waiting to have this “talk”? Has something specific spurred it, or do you just know it’s finally time to have it?
I have been putting off this talk for a few years now. My mom is only in her mid 60s, but since retiring she has been been diagnosed with early dementia and it is progressing quite rapidly. My father still handles finances the old fashioned way by paying bills with a checkbook and records everything in a ledger. He’s terribly frightened of debt to the point where he didn’t want to readjust his mortgage to a lower rate because “that’s where they get you”. Yet he tells me not to worry because things will work out. I need to do this for both their sake and my own.
Agreed :(
Michael — PLEASE don’t wait to have this conversation. For most people, these conversations should happen while your parents are healthy and relatively young (I’m looking at you, J. Money). But in your case, Michael, you need to start talking to your parents now. As I explain in my book, there are two very important legal documents that have to be signed while someone is still competent — power of attorney and an advance health care directive/living will. The POA allows you to name someone to make financial decisions for you if you no longer can. Advance directive lets you name someone to make health care decisions for you and spell out what sort of end-of-life medical treatment you would or would not want (i.e. life support). Your dad likely can make financial decisions for your mom if they have joint accounts. But if something happens to him and you haven’t been named her POA, you will have to go to court to become her conservator. It’s an expensive, lengthy process that basically involved putting your mom on trial to prove she is incompetent to manage her own finances (I write about this in the book, too). Don’t wait to talk to your parents and start making a plan for your mom.
I have been having some talks with them about what I’ve been doing to get out of debt but it seems to go in one ear and out the other my father traded in his paid off perfectly good truck for a brand new car with a new car payment. Uggh we just put my grandmother into an assisted living facility and seeing all the financial stuff they are going through with the long term care insurance as well as I work as an assistant to a financial advisor and watch how some people just burn through their retirement and don’t listen to the financial advisor at all it worries me that my folks won’t either. I try to talk to them by using me but it doesn’t seem to be taking hold I may need some assistance. They are both over 70.
I’ve been wanting to talk with my parents about their financial situation for _years_. My parents are not very good with money; they’re not “planners;” they have a work-until-I-die perspective on retirement. On the other hand, I’ve both worked really hard and gotten very lucky in my financial life, so I’m in a good place. I just know that one day the sh*t will hit the fan and it will fall to me to figure things out. I need to get out ahead of it and have The Talk with them. :/
My mom went through this with her parents and siblings after my grandpa was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and my grandma later fell and shattered her hip. They had to move Grandpa into a care facility ASAP since Grandma was going to be spending a good amount of time in the hospital. They found an attorney who specialized in elder finances who really helped them navigate how to handle things but so much was already too late.
Luckily, my mom saw the forest through the trees as things settled with her family. She informed my dad so he could make the choice how to discuss with his parents and they got their own finances in order. It took a bad situation to open their eyes, but as it was with my grandparents, so many people don’t apply it to themselves when things go wrong elsewhere and when they finally have a reason to look, it’s too late. Don’t wait. One way or another, the time will come for all of us!
I’m glad something good came out of it at least!! Usually does take something big to happen to shock people into action – myself included at times :(
I have been waiting about a year to have this talk. While my sister has been out of the country working, my dad has been driving her car (and making the payments). The plan was for my sister to help him get a car when she came home, but they didn’t seem to realize that with no job, she wouldn’t be much help in the loan acquisition/co-signing department. So now it’s apparently falling to me to help (they want me to co-sign), and I’m not really feeling comfortable about it.
So we’ll all be having a sit-down in July when she gets home from Costa Rica. For me, it will be a “Dad and Sister, We Need to Talk” moment. (Mom passed away 17 years ago, and she was the one responsible for the money in my family. Dad never really picked it up, and I’ve been slowly learning how to take control of my own finances and future).
Thanks for the opportunity, I’ve heard the author on TWO podcasts in the last week, and I am so excited for this book!
Becky — You have every right to feel uncomfortable about co-signing a loan for a car. You’ll be on the hook for that debt if something happens to your dad (even when he dies — you don’t “inherit” a parent’s debt unless your name is on it, too, and yours would be). I encourage you to help them find the cheapest reliable used car they can afford without your help. Maybe they have to keep sharing until your sister gets a job and can get a loan. I wish you luck with this conversation.
Wow, this is SO NEEDED—by me, but also probably by many other people. If the tips in this book can help me break through my stubborn father’s unwillingness to discuss such things, it will be a miracle!
I’ve known I need to have this talk for years because I worry about them. Both of them are thankfully in decent health for their age (73). But, I’ve known that they do. Not. Have. A. Will. Never have, even when we were kids! They also aren’t exactly set up for retirement. I’m pretty sure their main source of income when they have to stop working will be social security. My dad was executor of my great aunt’s estate, which was a nightmare—you’d think that that would have taught him something and he’s want to spare us that! At any rate, it feels like a ticking time bomb…one I need to diffuse sooner rather than later.
Well you’re entered for it now! Good to pick it up at the library or store if you don’t end up winning it – should be super helpful! :)
I think I’m buying this book if I don’t win. My mother in law is 62. She was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer 2 months ago. We expect maybe a month more with her. Before this we were expecting to have her for decades. My father in law, on the other hand has been on dialysis for a couple of years. He’s also a diabetic that won’t take care of himself. He controls the finances. We’ve been trying to discuss finances so we could take over when he passes. Then they filed bankruptcy for the third time. Then she was diagnosed with cancer. They are now both in a nursing home. He might get to go home when she passes. My brother in law has taken over their bank accounts and paying bills. My sister in law convinced them to do a will. Mother and father in law are worried about losing their house. They want to pass everything to the kids. They have no concept of money. I’m afraid we are going to be left with a big mess.
I am so SO sorry to hear of your mother!! I hope you’re able to spend some good time with her before she passes?! What a horrible thing for everyone, I’m sorry :(
I have been waiting too long to have this talk. both my parents have nearly died on me in the last 2 years. It’s only a miracle they are still alive. My dad takes care of all the financial stuff and lets my mom know when there is money to spend. when he gave us a scare in January, it was tough. Luckily he pulled through and we were able to straighten everything out. now we know about his financial notebook. we just need to know the rest!
Also, I know they have financial wishes, but those are not written down. we need to make that happen.
That’s great at least parts are written down like that (and you know where it is!). Really sad to hear of all these events going on with everyone :(
Beth — Getting your parents to draft a will is important. However, making sure that they name a power of attorney — someone to make financial decisions for them if they no longer can — and that they have an advance health care directive (spells out what sort of end-of-life medical care they do or do not want) is even more important. Get them to an attorney to get these legal documents drafted ASAP. There are fill-in-the-blank forms on sites such as Nolo.com, but meeting with an attorney would be better if they/you can afford it. You have to be mentally competent to sign these documents. Without being named your parent’s POA and healthcare POA, you can’t make any financial or healthcare decisions for them. My book explains this in detail.
I’ve wanted to have this conversation with my parents for years, but haven’t gotten very far because we all feel uncomfortable.
My mom was recently hospitalized for nearly three months due to a completely freak accident. She just came home from rehab but she has an incredibly long way to go to recover. At one point my dad was paying $600 per day for round the clock aides to assist her. They don’t have the kind of money to afford that for a long period of time. I don’t really know how much money they have but I’m worried my dad will spend every penny he can on my mom and then they’ll both go broke. I want to talk to my parents before my dad drains their bank accounts. He loves my mom so much I know he’d spend everything on her even if that meant he had nothing left to live on.
That is so sweet and sad at the same time :(
My sister and I gave had a mini version sort of. My Mom and Dad have had major health issues this past winter and we talked some before he had surgery and would be in rehab. We still need to have further discussions with more concrete details and a focus on long term what do we do.
Last January I had to take my mother to the emergency room, she was in congestive heart failure. I thought this was just a random illness brought on by a recent bout of pneumonia but the longer I listened to her answer the doctor’s questions the more I realized she is either not being truthful or very forgetful about her overall health.
As it turned out, she was being a bit of both! I discovered she has about seven different major health issues going on that the family had no idea about. She wasn’t taking medicine as prescribed, skipping doctor appointments, and lying about it all to my brothers and me.
It soon became clear to me that she was no longer able to handle her medical care or her finances! So now, I’m in the position of trying to handle this very delicate situation without offending her but also making sure she is properly taken care of at the same time.
Ack!! that is so scary, I hope you guys can help her! good job investigating and getting to the bottom of it!
My wakeup call started many years ago when I realized my parents just poured through any money or assets they received. My mom developed alzheimer’s and passed away, now I worry about my dad. He remarried but still, I know that one of these days it will fall to me as I’m the most stable of all the kids.
I honestly can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting to have “the talk.” My parents have always been bad with money. I’ve been more anxious about having the talk since my dad retired with a bunch of debt. As they get older, I have the feeling that I will end up being at leas partially financially responsible for one or both of them. I’ve tried to discuss finances with my mom before, but she pushes it off saying something like “it will all work out.” It’s tough being the “parent” to your parents. :(
It is :( But exactly why this book was written!! To help people in these uncomfortable situations!
Oh, this is timely. I’ve been eeking into these conversations, and to my surprise my dad has been bringing stuff up, too. My parents are 81 and 77 and:
-Have no debt, but also have no credit rating at all.
-Have no wills, POA, living wills or anything of the like. This will soon change, I finally convinced him (ONLY TOOK 30 YEARS OF CONVINCING)
-Didn’t start putting money away for retirement until my dad started collecting social security at 62, and he just put it all into CDs.
-Won’t downsize out of their 4-bedroom house (because my mom’s parents had it built) and also aren’t keeping it up as well as they could.
So, ugh.
That’s great they’re bringing it up more now! You’re making progress at least!! Haha…
As my parents get closer and closer to 65 I consistantly think of having this conversation. I have tried a couple of times to just get them to open up about money in general and its always a sore subject where they constantly just say is easier for me than it was for them cause I dont have children. Some good talking points to start would be nice.
Jody — There’s a chapter in my book about talking to your parents about when it’s time to move that might be helpful for you.
William — I provide 10 conversation starters in my book. Here’s one of them: Use a story to get the conversation started. There are lots of great stories right here from people who are responding to J. Money’s post about my book. You could use any of them as a cautionary tale about what happens if you don’t spell out your final wishes with a will, if you don’t have a plan for long-term care, if you haven’t named someone to make financial or health care decisions for your. You don’t want to scare them. But you do want to make them realize that it’s important for them to share some information so you can plan together to be prepared if something ever happened to them and they needed your help.
My mother and I had the conversation. She is in good health but approaching 70 years old. She decided to distribute her wealth while she is alive, so every year, my brother and me get a piece of her wealth. Thank you, mom.
I really like that idea :) She gets to see the impacts it has and enjoy it all while she’s alive!! Exactly why I never turn down free money or lunches or whatever from my older mother-in-law – she gets such a JOY out of giving to others…
Oh man. When my dad retired in 2010 at the age of 61, he and mom immediately set up wills because they planned to travel a lot and didn’t want a single airplane accident to leave me and my brother up $#!& creek. We lost mom three years ago — please please please get your mammograms, women over 45 — and within months, dad had dragged me to an attorney’s office to get medical and financial powers of attorney and a revocable living trust squared away. His CSRS pension tallies as much as my wife and I make; dad has trouble spending money each month (whereas mom always claimed ‘shopping is cheaper than therapy’).
This man disabled wireless data on his google fi plan because he didn’t want to spend ten bucks a gigabyte beyond the base price, and meanwhile my brother and I are trying to get him to stop throwing thousands each year into a whole life insurance policy just because the ‘value’ is earning 4.5%. Ugh. I think we’re finally getting through to him.
So to answer your question, we never had to worry about the talk. Dad’s always been pretty healthy, and mom was healthy until suddenly she really wasn’t, and that got dad to do what needed to be done independent of our opinions on the topic. I guess in that way we’re really fortunate. But I miss my mom.
It’s hard losing your mom :( In fact, it’s actually hard reading all these comments today because there’s so much loss in them! Really reminds you to appreciate everything you still have as you just never know…
Thanks for opening up and sharing as I’m sure I’m not the only one here reading these and marinating on today.
We’ve been needing to have this conversation with my in-laws for about 2 or 3 years. My father in law’s health is not good even thought they’re both under 65. They are living on social security, renting, and gaining tons of medical debt. It is not going to be easy.
I was fortunate that my parents had an accordion folder they gathered in a central location to house all of their important documents. They frequently discussed disposition of assets after they were gone. (It was likely an occupational hazard as I come from a family in law enforcement, so conversation often started with, “If I don’t make it home tonight….”) They’re both gone now and I handled the estate. The knowledge of their finances and paperwork I had were a godsend. I can’t even imagine going through that process blind to the information required to get everything squared away. As a result I frequently encourage my friends to open the necessary discussions with their own parents, but it’s hard for them. I think this book is a great resource and I would gift it to my bestie if I were selected for the giveaway.
Excellent use for it :) Your parents were smart people!!
Actually, my parents haven’t had any assets for so long that we never had to address it. My father passed away 11 years ago and left instructions (which had been discussed with us) for my brother to take care of the estate and my sister to take on my mother’s finances. I was asked to take charge of the funeral arrangements. Since then, my mother has come to live in our home and all she lives on is her social security. We’ve already done her living will, as that’s all we felt needed to be done. She’s 90 years old now and has some savings, although not a lot, but her SS is enough to cover her expenses without needing to pay for a home, utilities, etc.
On another note, my hubby and I had ‘the talk’ with our girls 14 years ago when we decided to take our first cruise. We figured if we didn’t make it home again they’d know where everything was and what we’d done (including having wills prepared) to make it a smooth transition for them.
My husband thinks we need to update our wills, but I don’t know that I think that’s necessary, as nothing’s changed since then. We have long term care insurance and living wills done as well.
I’m glad to see you guys made it back okay from the cruise :)
How long have you been waiting to have this “talk”? Has something specific spurred it, or do you just know it’s finally time to have it?
I have been trying to have this talk for years. My mom is 82 and in failing health, so she is finally opening up and wanting me to help her work thru some things. In addition, my husband and I need to have the talk with our children, (19 1/2 & 14)so that if something happens to us our oldest will be better able to take care of things.
Smart!
It is amazing to me how many of us are in this boat. Thank you for bringing this topic out in the open. I lost my mom 18 years ago, and strangely, I hadn’t thought about this stuff until recently when my mother in law told me they only live on social security. I am very nervous for them. They have absolutely no savings. I need to approach them with this, but I don’t even know where to begin. They are relatively healthy now… but…??
how to even begin this conversation with my father in law who doesn’t believe in a rainy day financially, or in going to the doctor. Apparently, that’s how you get sick…??
sigh…
I hear that doctor thing a lot too :( Not that I’m any better because I hate going until my wife forces me to! Haha, but yeah – def. concerning once you’re up there in age and others depend on you…
I’m glad you appreciated this topic today – you’re now entered for the book :)
I’m late to this conversation, but this is *really* important stuff. Both of my parents are gone (so I don’t need a new book), BUT, they did a fabulous job of preparation. In fact, for over 20 years, my brother and I would have to troop down to our father’s office, and have The Talk. No secrets, all out in the open. No hidden, secret siblings from the first marriage. All the money details laid out on the table. His main concerns was that he did not want us to be fighting over money after they were gone, and create family rifts. We’ve read those stories, and they are heartbreaking, and unnecessary.
As time went on, some things transitioned over to us. Meeting with the CPA at tax time. Meeting with the financial advisor periodically. Getting added to the checking account — SUPER important.
So, when he died five years ago (age 98!), we pretty much knew everything. We still had some legwork to do even with all that preparation. Meet with the trust attorney; go the VA office, call Social Security, meet with the financial advisor. etc. By and large, due to their aging process being somewhat more gradual, and my father passed ten years after my mother, we were ready. It’s still a sad time, but the mental and emotional gymnastics never came into play. Now, five years on, my brother and I don’t fight about how it went, we each have a life, and my parents gave us a wonderful gift to remember them by, so that’s a good ending.
Awwww what a great story!! So nice to see it can be done well like that! :) Go parents!!
Been signing a lot to take over when /if anything happens but I guess I don’t listen enough I don’t know exactly what will happen with her finances. My mom tells me some but not enough to get a full picture. She had a cousin help her figure out finances when her mom was getting dementia and passed away, but I’m on an island here!
Now that I’m turning 40 and thinking a lot! About my own retirement… it’s got me more curious! But finding the time to sit down with 2 kids 4&under is tough. Our conversations are brief on the days she watches the kids haha.
I know how that goes :)
I’ve been trying to have this talk more and more recently with my parents but can’t really seem to pull the full information out of them This book might help me with that! The ICE posting is what really forced me into trying to start these conversations.My parents are 70 and I’m the only child. I’ve also shared with my mom some of my details and wishes if I was to die before them. She doesn’t like talking about it but I’m a realist who is single – someone needs to know about my finances and final wishes too.
Totally!!
And that ICE binder is perfect for these types of convos too :)
My parents (74 and 75) have always been pretty open with me and my brother (mostly me though since I live closest/see them the most) about their finances. They’ve got their wills ready, and update/review them every 3-5 years. I’ve been added to some of their checking/savings accounts, and given POA over financial decisions because I’m physically located closer and more easily able to handle bills and whatnot that might come in if they ever end up incapacitated at the same time. My brother has been given POA over medical decisions because we figured I’d be more emotionally unable to make certain decisions that may need to be made.
With all that said though, it’s past time for my mom to hand over the finances to someone else, my dad, at the very least! She’s handled their finances throughout their 49 year marriage, and he’s got NO CLUE what the state of their checking account is. Her memory…is not good. And her trust in the goodness of people….far too naive! A couple years ago (tell me if you’ve heard this one before…), she answered a call from “Window’s tech support, we’ve noticed something going on with your computer and need access to it…”. Needless to say, once I finally discovered what was going on, that little adventure cost her somewhere in the neighborhood of $2500-3000, a new computer, and a closing and reopening of all their bank accounts (which reminds me, I better check to make sure I’m added to those!). Dad on the other hand is more ‘worldly’ and likely wouldn’t fall for one of those calls and wants all the bills set up for auto-pays, but she can’t handle change very well with her memory. He wants to learn how to do the bills and taking things over from her, but she’s become so regimented in HOW she does the bills (again, she doesn’t handle change very well) that anytime they sit down for her to teach him it just ends up in frustration and fights. So, to keep the peace, he buries his head in the sand about it all. BTW, she gets incredibly defensive when you bring up the memory issues, and how she should maybe let someone else take over…fun times!
Sorry for the rambling story, from the first paragraph it sounds like they’ve got their crap together, but then it devolves into a bundle of issues!
At least y’all have knocked out some good pieces of it!
Those scammers are horrible… I don’t know how you could do that to another person, no less the elderly. I’m glad you were able to alert her to it :(
I’m fairly young and my parents are both under 60 so it hadn’t been a topic I’ve thought of discussing until recently. The topic of long term care has recently come up with a relative who is over 100! At this point, the conversation is very difficult for family members to have but it has sparked a ton of interest for me to have a sit down with my parents while everyone is happy and healthy! Especially important to have it now since I have 12 siblings, each with their own opinion…
12!!! WOW!!!
Hopefully it’ll mean people can chip in and share the responsibility at least once time! (And *before* time too, while they’re young/healthy as you mentioned)
*** Giveaway now over ***
Thanks for participating, everyone! Congrats to LeeAnne for winning today’s book! If you didn’t win I hope you’ll still consider picking it up or finding it at your local library! It hits shelves this week :)
Thank you J$, Cameron and Publisher! I can’t wait to read this – and share it with some family members (cousins).