Got this email last week and it sure took a different turn than I was expecting!
Are any of you feeling like this in your relationship too?!
Could you be on the OPPOSITE side of the equation and blissfully ignoring the trouble that’s brewing ahead?!
Was waiting to hear what happened so I didn’t leave you with a cliffhanger, and just got the update so here’s the convo in case it helps inspire/scare any of you who need it too ;)
From “Elle” (appropriately anonymized, haha…):
Today is day 1 of the Uber Frugal Month (aka buy nothing / challenge everything / drink less diet soda month).
The only thing I asked for as a Xmas gift was that my guy participate in this with me. I’m mainly trying to break our dependence on eating out since it’s my largest optional category, but also trying to help him see he needs to make some changes on his side of the budget (he won’t cancel the cable even). Maybe, if I’m lucky he’ll see that he doesn’t need all of the stuff he can’t bear to get rid of like suit jackets that are two sizes too large… (side note, he doesn’t wear suits).
So tall order, I know. Trying to keep those expectations low. But, if I’m being honest, if he doesn’t make some progress I will have to end our 6 year relationship. I am 47 and on track to retire by 57, but at this rate I’ll be tied down since he won’t be ready ever. I had a child at 21 and her father died when she was young. I’ve never gotten to truly live my life or spend my quite generous salary. I don’t have a sad story as I consider myself pretty lucky. BUT, I don’t intend to let someone else f*ck up my retirement like I allowed in my 20s. Fool me once and all..
As I’m writing all of this to a perfect stranger my guy is sitting across the room watching YouTube videos on his phone. I realize that I should be saying this to him. So… thanks for letting me “talk” this out… even if you were an unwilling participant! ;)
I’m going to go do the hard thing…
As you can imagine I was quite surprised by the end of this, haha, but I wished her all the luck in the world and hoped she’d update me if she indeed pulled the trigger :)
It’s funny how big things like this can creep up in unexpected places, but what I appreciated the most out of this was that Elle not only realized it’s better to be talking to HIM about this than me (because she’s right, I’m a stranger to everyone involved!), but also for the fact that once she came to this conclusion she ACTUALLY DID SOMETHING about it instead of once again pushing it off for the umpteenth time.
I know I just spilled it there, sorry, but this is exactly why I love the New Years because it inspires us to make moves, even if it all goes out the window come February ;) And while I wish us men were better in the listening/picking up on hints department, sometimes we *do* need it spelled out clearer so we can adjust accordingly. We’re slow at times and not nearly as evolved as you women!
So how did it go?
I did it. Maybe not that well though as there were a few tears (mine) and some exasperated hands (his).
BUT hopefully I was clear that this is a make or break decision and he can’t keep blowing me off. I make a LOT more than him and while he’s super proud of me I know he feels a little like he’s not pulling his weight. I’ve tried being sweet and subtle, but like you said he needs a kick in the pants sometimes to wake up.
You are right about something else too, I do “got this”. One way or another. I’ve always done everything on my own so I can do this too. The 10 year clock started ticking in June… so game on!
We’ll have to see how it pans out, but Game On indeed! To all of us, really!! Just because someone agreed to partner up with us doesn’t mean we get to slack off now, haha… Always gotta be trying to be the best versions of ourselves as possible!
In fact, that’s actually my personal motto for the year – to be a better person at the end than when I started. In terms of relationships, body, mind, etc. Not all areas will improve much, but just like savings the wins will stack up and help propel the momentum! Compounding interest, but for LIFE! :)
I hope it ends up working for you, Elle, but either way huge congrats for pulling the trigger and setting things into motion there… We can’t control everything, but we sure can our actions! And here’s to all of us doing the same in this beautiful new year!