I don’t know about you, but I’ve come across a ton of great tips around the internet lately and I just had to tell you about them because they’re so NEW and AMAZING!!
These should be taken super seriously* no matter who you are or what your goals are, as everyone knows money** comes first.
Here we go… the best tips ever if you even remotely care about saving.
In order of best to worst:
#1. Find the cheapest area on the planet – move there.
The #1 rule to saving money is to cut out your expenses. In order to do this, it is mandatory that you move to the state or country with the lowest cost of living. It doesn’t matter if you love it or hate it, or if your friends and family are there (hell – it doesn’t matter if your job isn’t there either!) – pack up everything you own and move away STAT.
#2. Don’t have kids. Ever.
I doubt you don’t already know this, but anyone even considering having a healthy bank account should never, and I repeat never***, have any kids. In fact, this is the one area that spending money is actually permissible – so you can get a vasectomy! Pony up the cash and never think about it again. The more kids, the worse your finances!
[If you’ve already had kids and failed, make sure to keep a detailed log of every cent they’ve cost you so you can have them reimburse you when they hit 18. It’s the least they can do for giving them life.]
#3. Don’t Ever Get a Divorce!
I see this mistake the most – people getting married specifically to save money on rent and food, and thus forgetting to take into account personalities and dreams and God forbid heart. I know it takes time to figure these parts out, but you HAVE to find “the one” if you’re going to build your wealth over time. Even if it costs your health or well-being or if you end up hating them over the years. You cannot risk losing 50% of all your bounty!
#4. Don’t Go to College
Screw education, learning’s overrated. Everything you need in life can be found on the internet anyways – for FREE. And bonus: it doesn’t require interacting with another human being again!
#5. Cut Cable – Never Watch TV Again
Remember the purpose of life: Money. You need to optimize every hour of the day as each minute wasted reduces earning power. I don’t care if Winter Is Coming or if Aaron Rodgers’ brother is there for the wrong reasons and still receives a rose – you’re not earning squat sitting there. Never doubt the formula: Work, eat, work, sleep, work, repeat.
#6. Never Eat out!
There really is no point to enjoying a meal with fellow citizens. In a perfect world everyone would stay inside of their homes and cook perfectly nutritious food using every spare ingredient they can find. And since you won’t have cable anymore, there’s plenty of time to prepare it!
#7. Don’t Ever Treat Yourself to Coffee
Starbucks is the biggest threat to your wallet. Anyone who thinks it’s smart to pay 10x what it costs to brew your own at home should re-think being a millionaire and instead light their cash on fire. Don’t forget all the gas and wear and tear on your car to pick up that devil’s juice too!
*BONUS TIPS* Never use credit cards, take out a loan, lose your wallet, go on vacation, give to charity, play video games, or allow a natural disaster to occur.
Life is all about the money, and anyone who tells you differently is a liar!
* Yes, this is a joke
** Yes, it’s true that all of this does actually save us money! But remember there are many more factors in life than just finances, mainly our HAPPINESS. More power to you if you do rock any of these above (I partake in a few, myself!) , but please please please make sure you’re doing them for the right reasons as you’re the one who has to live them. There’s no point in having a million dollars if you’re secluded and miserable! Life > Money, always.
*** The word ‘never’ should be banned from the dictionary.
[Graffiti up top by Christina Jewell]
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Haha this is good. I knew that devils juice was killing my bank account! And one of my biggest financial mistakes was not getting a vasectomy, shoot!
I was confused by “devil’s juice” for a second, but I figured it out once I put it in context with the post.
My first thought was gasoline, then alcohol, then I settled on coffee.
Lots of different devil’s juice out there ;)
Lol! On the college note, I saw a quote the other day about kids graduating from technical schools – no debt and with a job!
“If you’ve already had kids and failed…” Haha! I laughed out loud here along with the burning cash line with Starbucks. Sometimes, I feel the stress from spending a few extra dollars a month on that, “luxury,” good can be more harmful than breaking away from a frugal habit. Either way, I do avoid Starbucks but now its more so out of convenience than anything else.
As for the marriage one, I actually do see friends of mine (I’m 27 now) start to slide into marriage because of bad reasons. It becomes a slippery slope of, “well, we hang out a lot so we can move in together to save on rent/expenses,” to, “well, we’ve been living together for X years, so we should get married.” Marriage should be a choice made for the right reasons is all I’m suggesting, not simply because it makes sense for your wallet.
Yikes – yes!! Marriage is no joke!
Damn I was going to move into my van and live down by the river. Glad I read the *. My children thank you!
LMAO, I had the same thought about that Chris Farley bit as I was reading this.
Nice, gents ;)
I am going to let my daughter know that she ruined our financial lives this morning! Tough love!
Haha…. that made my heart hurt for a hot second!
I think that the biggest thing to remember here is what are your motivations for doing these things. I understand the purpose behind this post but there are several items on the list that we do on a regular basis because we feel like it improves the quality of our life in more ways than just financially, i.e. no cable, no coffee, eating home cooked meals as a family everyday.
But there are other things on this list that we could never do, like not having kids, no matter what benefit it might have on our accounts. This one is one of our biggest personal finance pet peeves, when we hear our friends talk about how great it is to live a DINK (Duel Income No Kids) lifestyle and how they want kids someday but just can’t afford it yet. The major reason that my wife and I started Band of Savers was to be able to teach our friends in this situation that you can have a great life financially with kids on only one income, if your are willing to sacrifice some of the other luxuries of the glamorous life. I know that this can be a sensitive topic but we think its better to sacrifice material items than to sacrifice children.
Amen, brother… and honestly, there really isn’t a “perfect time” to have kids. If you want them and it’s important to you then time to start figuring out how to make it happen! And if they’re not – which of course is totally cool – then yes, you get the added benefit of saving money on top. Nothing wrong with that, just hate it when I see “not having kids” on the list on how to save money… as if that should be the main reason why.
Thinking about #1, I have wondered about that other reading some of your other articles. Especially if you can be a digital nomad.
If I’m a debt-free Westerner, can I move to the Phillippines or elsewhere with the savings I have & make a lower wages? It wouldn’t be cost-effective to do certain jobs if I still lived stateside, but if I lived somewhere else, could it be a reality?
Oh, totally – I’m alllll about the freedom of traveling and living wherever you want, so if you can pull it off more power to you :) Not everyone has ties to where they’re currently living, so no shame in all at picking up and moving if it excites you AND you can make money in the process! And yes – doing online stuff means you get paid the same no matter where you’re living (depending on what you do online I guess) so doesn’t even have to affect your income either in that regard.
This is just too good. Really have to convince my man to get that vasectomy :)
Snip your balls or you’re not truly thrifty! (Unless you can monetize those babies. If not, to the chopping block!) And ladies, tubal ligation is now basically obligatory because you can never be sure enough when it comes to not bringing any wealth threatening groin fruit into the world!
“Snip your balls or you’re not truly thrifty!” haha… we need that on bumper stickers or something.
I’ve never seen you so sarcastic, J, and I love it! I was just thinking about how some of this early retirement advice reads like it’s for robots. Like if you had no taste buds or aesthetic sense or personal interests and work 24/7, you could retire by 25.
Haha… aint’ that the truth!
Yeah, been feeling a bit feisty lately ;)
This post could have been written by a personal finance extremist – gotta watch out for those guys
They are sneaky, those extremists ;)
Haha, so true! Actually, I could have saved a lot by never getting married. The marriage cost me a bomb, not just the divorce. But then, it set me on the path I’m on now and meant I went from homeless to CEO as a single parent and love my life, so it worked out in the end.
YES!! And you are rockin’ it over there!! Love you so much, girl.
HAHAHAHAHA This is HILARIOUS and I LOVE it.
The never having kids line is certainly a good tip. These little monkeys are crazy expensive, especially when you add in the opportunity costs having kids leads you to take on (taking lower paying jobs to spend more time with them, not working a crazy amount of OT, etc). But they are fun to have around.
All these darn child labor laws! Having kids should be seen as a pro in increasing wealth. Why back in the good ol’ days a kid could be earning his keep by 6!
Haha… what is this world coming to ;)
Great post! I do actually not have cable, but that’s because I only ever watch one TV show that I can buy to stream off Amazon for about $30/year. I find video games to be a much more efficient use of my entertainment budget, especially because I buy games that I can play with my friends who live elsewhere. I already live in a pretty cheap part of the United States as it is, but I hate living here. It’s hard to pick a place to move because a lot of other places make my frugal side cringe with their cost of rent. Anyone know a place with no snow, low humidity and under 100 degrees in the summers, within two hours drive to an airport, and is cheap??
I’m with you on the cable thing – we cut it a year ago and hardly ever miss it (except for when football comes, then it blows!). I don’t play video games anymore, but I agree it’s MUCH cheaper than other ways to entertain yourself and if it makes you happy great!
Yes i found a place for u that has no snow and near to sea and airport and its damn cheap too. The place is called afghanistan.
Infact if u need all of this above u can achieve it easily by working hard and investing monthly from your first pay check. U wont be surprised to see your self a millionaire soon.
I LOVE this! Great point made in a very entertaining way! The way I look at it is we only have one chance to live this life and, though money has it’s part, it shouldn’t keep us from living a life we love.
Yes! Yes! Yes! and…… Yes! Thank you for validating my current lifestyle. I was getting concerned that I might have to go out to eat with friends again soon. Nope!
Oh man, and we were thinking of having another baby. There’s no way we will ever get out of debt if we have four kids ;)
This one was cute. Nice for a Monday morning.
I’d like to supplement #4 with two supporting points:
#1: As the “proud owner” of a Masters degree, I can tell you I learned more from reading a copious number of library books and doing the research and thinking required to write quite a bit of material over the last 3 years than I ever did paying $50K cumulatively on my post-secondary education. Self-directed studies are the BOMB!
#2: This quote from the bar scene in the 1997 movie “Good Will Hunting” sums it up nicely:
[Will] “See the sad thing about a guy like you is in 50 years, you’re going to start doing some thinking on your own and you’re going to come up with the fact that there are two certainties in life. One, don’t do that. And two, you dropped one-hundred-and-fifty grand on a fucking education you could have got for 1.50 in late charges at the public library…”
[Harvard student] “Yeah, but I will have a degree and you’ll be serving my kids…”
[Will] “Maybe, but at least I won’t be unoriginal.”
Education has outpriced itself. If you’re going for post-secondary education, stick with community college. The fancy option isn’t worth the money. It’s like a luxury car vs a beater. The luxury car might sound like a big deal but both cars will get you from point A to point B just the same and you can at least afford the gas and the insurance when you drive the beater…
Forgot about that Good Will Hunting part!! Genius…
Though I will say, driving a fancy car and/or going to college (or at least Living there vs at home) CAN be super fun and pay off in more ways than just the degree itself…. not saying it’s worth the cost all the time, esp with today’s tuition, but it certainly can be. Just goes back to what’s most important to ya.
Agreed. I just like to point out the default is overemphasized. Maybe it’s because institutions have a vested interest in enrolments? ;)
Ok, I see it’s a joke at the end. :) You had me going there for a minute.
I was like “Wow, this J Money dude went off the hard core deep end into saving money. Hope his wife is on board because #3, don’t get divorced, might be hard to avoid.” :)
I was waiting for tips on a DIY vasectomy. Perhaps a future post, J? :)
Now THAT would be some good blogging right there! If that doesn’t go viral, I don’t know what would ;)
Haha, funny one!
For awhile there, I thought this was serious. I was thinking to myself “boy, I’ve failed on most of these and yet I’m still worth a few million”…
Haha. Thanks for sharing these wonderful and super easy to implement tips. I am tired of hearing about the latte factor for sure. Personal finance really is personal and there are different ways we all get there. Of course living in an expensive city and having kids will cost more money but there are certain decisions that people don’t want to factor in the costs and that’s okay. I don’t think anyone would have kids if it just was a financial decision. There are many different ways to get financial success and still balance your overall happiness. Off to consume some devil’s juice now.
Mmmmm… devil’s juice….
This is all great advice, in moderation.
I am a little disturbed by how many people seem to do the exact opposite of every one of these tips.
Good joke and money is everything had me laughing. You sneaked in the asterisk at the right time too. Good luck saving with those kids. HAHA
I take this as a good reminder that we (PF bloggers) all tend to take our own advice too seriously. Yes, you and I are allowed to make exceptions…
…as long as the long term plan is to move to the cheapest place on Earth!
We’ve been already doing #5 for a few years now, in fact we don’t even own a TV. :)
Nice! We gave up cable last year but still watch Netflix/Hulu/etc…
What’s the point of saving and doing the things above if I will be miserable. None of that works for me, lol! At – all. Just call me poor and happy.
Dammit, I KNEW we were doing something wrong!
I totally took you seriously for a second, I am so gullible!! Don’t worry didn’t last long :-) ha this is funny
If it makes you feel better I fall for ALL jokes on April Fool’s day – I hate it! :)
Packing up now, leaving the kids behind, calling Direct TV while picking up my ex-wife who pretty much already cut off my balls.
Anyone figure out the cheapest place to live yet?
Maybe we’ll just start our own compound of tiny homes in the Midwest where we can all move to and sit on our porch while comparing frugal stories, counting grains of rice and sharing credit card hacks.
I’d consider the first part! Very similar to what’s Tony Hsieh’s doing (billionaire founder of Zappos) with Airstreams in Vegas…
I’d much prefer talking about money/life in person than online :)
I love this! Life is for living. Enjoyment and fellowship are their own rewards. We can definitely over-focus on money and forget that it is a tool to achieve our desired ends.
All of these are common sense! We have #2, #3, #4, and #7 down already! #1 is a tough one for us because love living in New England.
Awesome, Dude!! Really cracked me up!!!!
On a more serious note, a lot of people have that attitude about college. Maybe its different in other places of the country but in the mid atlantic area good luck getting a job as even as a receptionist without one. People just need to be smart and go 2 years community and then state college after. No reason to spend money on an undergrad degree. Now graduate school is another story, depending on your field there is a certain level of snobbery that may require a recognizable name. But a 150,000 dollar undergrad degree is absolutley idiotic. Some people advocate startiung a business but in reality that is not suitable for everyone. Some people just need to clock in and clock out.
For sure… It def. depends on personality/passions/the field you’re interested in, etc… Sometimes you can’t even escape the costs if you wanted to (doctors, lawyers…)
Wow! So I already live in a pretty low cost of living area. I don’t plan on having kids. I will only get coffee on the extremely rare occassion (like once every couple of years). I only eat out like maybe once a month (on average) and haven’t had cable in a couple of years. Oh, and I’m not married so I there is no possibility for divorce (yet), although I have found the love of my life and have no intention of leaving him.
I know this post is a joke, but it makes me out to be kinda extreme!!
However, I am pretty happy in my life, and saving money doesn’t rule me, so I’ll keep on keepin’ on!
Haha… love it!!!! Congrats!!! You have the best of both worlds all wrapped into one! :)
Become a monk and you never have to touch money again. :)
Nor touching anyONE else too? ;)
Don’t get sick. Or injured.
Yes! So dumb when people do that… :)
Too late for point #2… we have 2 kids and love them. What is the current bid?
Point #6: eating out – with some good anti budget and fun money, we can do this a few times a month. We could no eat out. It is clearly a want, not a need. We will reconsider this… and talk to my wife on her cooking more
Okay, this had me cracking up!!! I read it out loud to both of our friends/roommates! Sadly, one of their moms actually did estimate what she was owed for ages 0-18 before they moved out, but we know not everyone should be a parent…
Oooh even better with an audience! Thanks for passing on the good word to everyone ;)
Wait what is wrong with playing videos games? At least for PC and mobile gamers, there are free options available.
As for your list, I already do 5 and 7 and I plan on doing 2.
Nothing wrong with playing video games! Or doing anything listed above if you enjoy it/doesn’t F up your goals (except for causing natural disasters, ain’t nothing good about that ;)).
Hahahahahaha this is without doubt my favourite ever blog about personal finance! Absolutely EPIC!
Thanks man! It was all worth it then!! :)
The issue with low cost of living areas is that they usually also have low income opportunities. If you intend to live off of your investments it’s a completely different story.
Very very true…
Or if you’re an online hustler :) The internet doesn’t care where you live!
Turns out I’m doing/have done three of these seven–just not for money reasons. But I’m glad to know I’ve accidentally padded my bank account! :)
Not gonna lie, loving my mid-afternoon coffee right now. Yep, the ‘latte-factor’ is the reason for my financial progress…or lack there of ;)
Bahahahahaha. ha. ha.
Life is all about balance. Run a lot to stay fit – yep. Eat a lot to enjoy life- yep.
Save a lot for the future? Yep. Buy the ice cream..with the kids…to enjoy life today – oh, yes.
It’s a beautiful thing :)
There are not nearly enough posts about the limitations of frugality and the never-ending drive to spend less, less, less. At some point, brother, it’s got to be enough. Thanks for the post.
You know, it man!
Thanks for the laugh J. Money haha I was reading them thinking…man, I fail all but one of these. I almost ran into the other room and told my wife of two weeks that I no longer wanted to have kids. And then I saw your joke disclaimer and it is all good.
The asterisks at the bottom highlight the larger point. You have to find the sweet spot between saving money/being frugal and your happiness. If there isn’t a balance, you will either be the most miserable person with a massive savings account or you will be the happiest person in the world with no savings. If that’s what you want…great. But if not, there is plenty of room in the middle to live and thrive in.
Thanks again for the good laugh. we are about to be at tip off here…GO CAVS!
I don’t know what to congratulate you first on – winning the game or the new marriage? :)
Obviously these are meant to be funny and overly simplified but I have to say I agree with them. Especially about having no kids. Not only do I have no desire to have kids, I’m already happily enjoying the extra travel I get to do without them. Sometimes I see parents walking with kids and I imagine that parent, instead, on a cruise or a month long trip overseas. There are definitely some perks to not taking care of anybody. Just my observation.
For sure – gotta live the life you desire whether it happens to involve saving money (or kids) or not. Though don’t forget about all the joy those kids are bringing their parents which a trip or $$ could never buy ;)
Kids are overpriced. =) On the flip side, I often don’t buy things because it would mean I have to buy 6x as many. i.e. One ice cold water bottle $2. Um maybe. But now everyone wants one. Water bottle now = $12. We are walking over the the water fountain kids! =) They save me from a lot of stupid impulse purchases because I hate sharing. =)
HAH! Never thought about it that way…
No more cable (check), no more devil’s juice (check), invest in a coffee pot (check), learn how to cook (check). Never get divorced… Ooops. I had to do it. Gambling is a terrible disease to live with and tolerate. Now at 40, start investing, start saving, rebuild. Never never marry someone with materialistic ideals and spending addiction. Never.
Yikes – sorry to hear :(
Cheapest area ever doesn’t have to be that bad! In the Ukraine, I lived for $10 a day, had all the bootleg hollywood movies I wanted, free booze, cool people, we bribed the night guard for all these cool places like national cemetaries to see them at night for $2 for 20 of us. Plus taxi drivers there never charged me more than $3 for a ride anywhere. On top of all that, multi course meals were $3. I’ll never forget my 15 minutes in the 1%
Nice dude! All about fun (and cheap) travel… if all my friends lived there we’d be in good shape :)
I lost a wallet with $300+ in it in Washington D.C. on a school field trip in eighth grade. I’ve never forgotten it or the feelings it gave me.
Ouch! Oddly enough I lost an envelope with about $100 in cash in it in DC :(
“Don’t Go to College”.
I’m not so sure this one is a joke :)
At least in my line of work I sure didn’t need to go to college.
But I did and only just finished paying off my student loan 10 years after graduating.
Lots of variables that go into this for sure, but overall those with degrees tend to fare MUCH better over the years than those who don’t. Whether financially or otherwise (and there’s lots of “otherwises” here too that people tend to forget, like gaining an expanded network, growing more as a person (esp when attending and staying on a campus), and then of course the expansion of our brains :)). Of course, after college it’s up to us to use/harness all of this stuff, but at the end of the day you’re almost always positioned better with a degree than not.