I don’t know about you, but I’ve come across a ton of great tips around the internet lately and I just had to tell you about them because they’re so NEW and AMAZING!!
These should be taken super seriously* no matter who you are or what your goals are, as everyone knows money** comes first.
Here we go… the best tips ever if you even remotely care about saving.
In order of best to worst:
#1. Find the cheapest area on the planet – move there.
The #1 rule to saving money is to cut out your expenses. In order to do this, it is mandatory that you move to the state or country with the lowest cost of living. It doesn’t matter if you love it or hate it, or if your friends and family are there (hell – it doesn’t matter if your job isn’t there either!) – pack up everything you own and move away STAT.
#2. Don’t have kids. Ever.
I doubt you don’t already know this, but anyone even considering having a healthy bank account should never, and I repeat never***, have any kids. In fact, this is the one area that spending money is actually permissible – so you can get a vasectomy! Pony up the cash and never think about it again. The more kids, the worse your finances!
[If you’ve already had kids and failed, make sure to keep a detailed log of every cent they’ve cost you so you can have them reimburse you when they hit 18. It’s the least they can do for giving them life.]
#3. Don’t Ever Get a Divorce!
I see this mistake the most – people getting married specifically to save money on rent and food, and thus forgetting to take into account personalities and dreams and God forbid heart. I know it takes time to figure these parts out, but you HAVE to find “the one” if you’re going to build your wealth over time. Even if it costs your health or well-being or if you end up hating them over the years. You cannot risk losing 50% of all your bounty!
#4. Don’t Go to College
Screw education, learning’s overrated. Everything you need in life can be found on the internet anyways – for FREE. And bonus: it doesn’t require interacting with another human being again!
#5. Cut Cable – Never Watch TV Again
Remember the purpose of life: Money. You need to optimize every hour of the day as each minute wasted reduces earning power. I don’t care if Winter Is Coming or if Aaron Rodgers’ brother is there for the wrong reasons and still receives a rose – you’re not earning squat sitting there. Never doubt the formula: Work, eat, work, sleep, work, repeat.
#6. Never Eat out!
There really is no point to enjoying a meal with fellow citizens. In a perfect world everyone would stay inside of their homes and cook perfectly nutritious food using every spare ingredient they can find. And since you won’t have cable anymore, there’s plenty of time to prepare it!
#7. Don’t Ever Treat Yourself to Coffee
Starbucks is the biggest threat to your wallet. Anyone who thinks it’s smart to pay 10x what it costs to brew your own at home should re-think being a millionaire and instead light their cash on fire. Don’t forget all the gas and wear and tear on your car to pick up that devil’s juice too!
*BONUS TIPS* Never use credit cards, take out a loan, lose your wallet, go on vacation, give to charity, play video games, or allow a natural disaster to occur.
Life is all about the money, and anyone who tells you differently is a liar!
* Yes, this is a joke
** Yes, it’s true that all of this does actually save us money! But remember there are many more factors in life than just finances, mainly our HAPPINESS. More power to you if you do rock any of these above (I partake in a few, myself!) , but please please please make sure you’re doing them for the right reasons as you’re the one who has to live them. There’s no point in having a million dollars if you’re secluded and miserable! Life > Money, always.
*** The word ‘never’ should be banned from the dictionary.
[Graffiti up top by Christina Jewell]