For all those needing a smile today!

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I gave Henry Winkler $1,000 to invest for me, and never saw my money again…

I think I fell for a Fonzie scheme.

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A genie came to me and asked, “What’s your first wish?”

I answered, “I wish I was rich!”

The genie then asks, “What’s your second wish, Rich?”

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Three animals were having a drink at the bar when the tab came.

“I’m not paying it” said the duck. “I’ve only got one bill and I’m not breaking it.”

“I’ve spent my last buck,” said the deer.

“Then the duck’ll have to pay,” said the skunk. “Getting here cost me my last scent.”

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Mother gives her son two dimes, one for the church collection and one for an ice cream after church.

On the way he drops one dime and it rolls into the storm drain.

Boy: “Oh darn, there goes God’s dime”.

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If you found a five dollar bill in every pocket of your coat, what would you have?

Someone else’s coat.

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Doug: Thank you so much for lending me that money. I shall be everlastingly in your debt.

Larry: That’s what I’m afraid of!

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I gave my money to Bernie but he just Madoff with it

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After years of putting money into a savings account, a wife tells her husband the good news:

“Honey, we’ve finally got enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979.”

Her husband blushes with giddy excitement.

“You mean a brand-new Cadillac?” he asks.

“No,” says the wife, “a 1979 Cadillac.”

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A man who needs legal help goes to a lawyer’s office but is on a budget.

“Can you tell me how much you charge?” he asks.

“Of course,” the lawyer replies, “I charge $800 to answer three questions.”

“Don’t you think that’s an awful lot of money to answer three questions?”

“Yes it is”, answers the lawyer, “What’s your third question?”

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A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to the President instead.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord.

“Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.”

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A woman and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a long train ride. The woman, who is tired after a long day of work, just wants to take a nap. She closes her eyes and tries to relax, but before she can fall asleep, the lawyer turns to her and asks if she wants to play a fun game.

The woman politely declines, but the lawyer insists. “Oh, it’s a really fun game!” he says. “And it’s so easy to learn! I’ll ask you a question. If you don’t know the answer, you pay me five dollars. And then you’ll get to do the same to me.” The woman opens her eyes just long enough to calmly shake her head before she sinks back into her seat.

But the lawyer would not take no for an answer. “Okay, fine. I have an even better game for you. If I ask a question and you don’t know the answer, you’ll give me five dollars, but if you ask a question and I don’t know the answer, I’ll give you 500 dollars.”

Figuring the lawyer will just keep on blabbering if she says no, the woman agrees to play the game. The lawyer starts: “What’s the distance between the earth and the moon?” he asks. The woman simply responds by reaching into her wallet and handing the lawyer five dollars. The lawyer then invites her to ask him a question.

“What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?” asks the woman.

The lawyer is stumped, so he pulls out his smartphone and tries to look up the answer. After finding nothing on his first search, he texts three of his lawyer friends to ask if they know the answer, but none of them has a clue as to what it could be. After an hour of scouring every corner of the internet to no avail, he wakes up the woman and tells her he gives up.

He hands her five crisp $100 bills, and the woman thanks him. She realizes her stop is up next, so she gets out of her seat and starts to head for the exit. Before she can get in the aisle, though, the lawyer stops her and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?” The woman doesn’t respond. Instead, she reaches into her wallet and hands the lawyer another five dollar bill before exiting the train.

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An now some non-financial classics!

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You follow the fresh prints.

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What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta.

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What’s the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs.

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How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

10 tickles.

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Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?

He’s fully recovered.

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Why didn’t the melons get married?

Because they cantaloupe.

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So you don’t want to hear a joke about potassium?

K…

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And lastly, my kids’ personal favorite:

Why do ducks have tail feathers?

To cover up their butt-quacks.

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Hang in there, everyone :)