[So here’s a surprise! Two posts on escorts within a month of each other, haha… Had a reader reach out though wanting to share *the other side* of the business (i.e. paying for escorts vs hustling as an escort), and I just couldn’t pass it up… So just like last time, if this stuff offends you go ahead and avert your eyes now! We’ve got tons of other juicy confessionals you can check out instead. Take it away, Mr. Anonymous Man!]
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After reading the post by Lance, “Financial Confessional: I Used to Be An Escort,” I felt compelled to share my point of view as a former client.
It was many years ago when I was in my thirties and unhappy in my marriage. I offer this only as background, and not as an excuse. I take full responsibility for my actions. While I believe men and women should have the freedom to do as they please with their bodies, my sin was lying about what I was doing. If you’re unhappy in your marriage, fix it or leave.
I came across an article by Marc Perkel that was the most influential piece for me. It gave many of the pros and cons for hiring an escort as well as practical advice on how to go about it (link very NSFW). Given the legality of such activities, I can’t share specific details of my hiring, but I can tell you about my personal experiences.
The Escort Industry is Huge
Like anything that’s in demand, someone, somewhere will supply it. Sex is no exception. There’s a reason this is called the oldest profession in the world. For as long as there have been people, there have been those willing to trade resources for sex.
In America, it is currently illegal and generally frowned upon, which only means it is going on behind the scenes. This also means a number of cottage industries have popped up to facilitate the transaction.
Nickie, mentioned in the previous post, chose to post via Backpage. You could find people there, but it was very dangerous and unpredictable. There are better sites where you have to be a member, where they will do a simple background check on you so that women will know if you are who you say you are. They also check that the women are who they say they are, and that their pictures and ads are accurate. The ladies will include pictures, measurements, physical descriptions and a menu of what they are willing to do.
There are review sites that allow men to give whatever details they feel are necessary. As you would expect, many are explicit and some can be a bit rude, but by-in-large, they keep it clean and respectful. If you want to be a part of the community, you have to play by the rules.
The Escort Community is Also Huge
Once you get in, you’ll start to see many of the same players. All have a chosen online name and can be found discussing “the hobby” on message boards. There’s advice for newbies, discussions of who is good to see, what areas have been targeted by law enforcement, which guys have become real d*ck heads and need to be excluded, etc. Like other activities it has its own special terms, so many of the discussions were about definitions. There are even in-person socials if you get in deep enough!
A number of clients and providers meet up at prearranged venues to buy drinks and meet providers face to face. It’s a lot like a sales convention with vendors putting out their best items looking for buyers. There are rules of course like no real names, be respectful, etc.
How Much Have I Spent on Escorts?
Most review and ad sites let you know up front around how much you’ll spend. Many times, the girls will run specials trying to build up clientele. I learned early on as a novice, do NOT haggle. For most, this is their profession and they know their worth.
During my time, I never paid more than $200 for an hour. I made appointments about every three months, and this went on for about four years. All totaled I probably spent about $3,200.
I kept this quiet by having a separate bank account where part of my check was direct deposited and I could get to the cash. Appointments were usually in the middle of the day as part of a long lunch. I did have my one and only threesome with a regular and a girl she invited. It was $400 total for the time.
At one of the socials, I met a guy who had over 500 “OKs” from girls. Which meant he had been with at least that many, but probably more. This is over several years, but doing the math, he spent over $100,000 on this “hobby”! I have to assume the guy was single since I find it hard to imagine hiding that amount of money.
Why Did I Do It?
Chances are, you know someone who has paid for sex. I’m a pretty unassuming person. Typical day job as an accountant. If you saw me, you wouldn’t think I had hired someone to have sex. When I was dating, I didn’t have any trouble getting dates or relationships.
But as I mentioned, I was not happy in my marriage. I was deeply depressed, but was raised to believe you stayed married no matter what. This was a way for me to get the intimacy I desired without having to give up the marriage. You’re just exchanging resources. You need human touch, she needs some money. I was able to meet some amazing women that provided a service that came with none of the drawbacks like emotional entanglements. No crazy calls in the middle of the night or showing up at your job. They are professionals and act that way.
It’s an important distinction that you are not actually paying for sex since that’s illegal; you’re paying for her time. She can, at her discretion, decide nothing is going to happen.
My experience was a little different than what Nickie described. I mostly did in-calls (her place), and would make the appointments online and get a general area to meet at. Once there, I had to make a call to get the actual location. When I got inside, I was usually greeted warmly with a hug or light kiss. I was allowed to peak around a bit, just to make me feel safe that we were, in fact, alone.
Money wasn’t ever discussed, and I never actually put it in her hand. If, like Nickie, she brought it up, I would have turned and walked out the door. I was also never “upsold” and was never offered drugs. I brought my own water and I left my valuables in the car. It’s by far more dangerous for them, even with all the precautions, but as a client you still need to be alert.
I was very selective in who I met with, which is the whole point of an escort. My guess is Nickie’s loss of clientele may have been not from competition, but her lack of professionalism.
Independent Business People
Human trafficking is very real and prostitution is an obvious avenue for exploiting people. The fact that giving a person money for sex is illegal is a large part of that. If the industry was legal and somewhat regulated, I feel like women would generally be safer since it is difficult to go to the cops if you are assaulted doing something “illegal”.
All the women I knew were doing it as a choice, and from what I could tell, mostly enjoyed it. They set their own schedules, used services to screen out most of the wackos, had a separate location for business, and were usually prompt and courteous. Some are busy enough to even hire personal assistants to help with screening and making appointments. They had families and lives outside of their work that they kept separate. Her time working was just another day at the office.
They always had back-up too. Any smart girl makes sure she has a partner that knows she’s meeting with someone and has signals for when things go sideways. Given the intimacy of the transaction, it’s easy to see why some would get emotional. If she’s good, you’ll forget this is just a transaction. Some guys do and will mistakenly cross the line.
I admit I got close to a couple of regulars myself. I even exchanged real names with them and had long conversations about my wife. They made me feel exceptional, but of course that was their job. We were not in love. We were not even friends. We were close business associates. I even considered offering my services as an accountant to help them out. Being in a cash based, less than legal profession, many just don’t know what to do. They collect the cash, pay their expenses and spend the rest.
It’s important to note that the IRS mostly does not care where your money comes from.
The thing is, this is not very different than a cam girl, selling her time over the internet. You have something the other person is willing to pay for. Audits are fairly rare for the typical taxpayer since they don’t have the personnel to pursue small money. They’ll spend their time with people who deposit hundreds of thousands of dollars. They didn’t get Al Capone on any criminal charges, they got him on tax evasion. It is easier than ever to keep your cash safe in an online bank. The rules are the same for all entrepreneurs: collect your money, maintain good records of your expenses, and get a good CPA.
If for some reason you’d like a deeper discussion about the mechanics of running an independent sex worker business, I found the following article that spells it out along with links to even more detailed information: You’re A Sex Worker — How Do You Pay Your Taxes?
Final thoughts
I stopped using escort services years ago. I dated and eventually remarried. I get all I need out of my relationship now, but there are times I miss the thrill of meeting a new girl.
The pros of using escorts is that you could reasonably expect to be having sex that day, and you generally knew who you were meeting. You’re both at your very best, most polished, self, and you don’t have to worry about any emotional entanglements. The cons were the need to sneak around, the financial and emotional costs, and of course it’s a poor substitute for meaningful relationships.
All things considered, I think prostitution should be legal and can be fun if done properly.
– Anonymous
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Missed the original article? Check it out here: Financial Confessional: I Used To Be An Escort
Here’s a list of previous confessionals we’ve done as well, if you’re all escorted out by now ;)
- “We Used to Blow Our Money on Motorcycles & Airplanes”
- “I Turned My Back on My Wealthy Parents to Live a Life of My Own.”
- “I’ve Spent over $40,000 on Amazon”
- “I Bought a Used Honda for $45,000”
- “I Became So Obsessed With Being Rich That I’m Now Sitting in Prison”
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Never really heard this much perspective on the topic, so thanks for sharing.
Never really meant to share so much on the topic! Haha…
Guess it puts the Sexy in Budgets Are Sexy, eh? ;)
Wow it’s so brave of you to share your experience. Many men do this and would never own up to it. Thanks for sharing!
Wow. What a whole different world…
Does his new wife know about his past ‘hobby’? Would this be something to divulge to your spouse just like you might talk about prior credit card issues or other personal finance foibles due to ‘hobbies’?
I find some comments a little dubious or perhaps rationalizations:
“The thing is, this is not very different than a cam girl…”
” Any smart girl ….” (and what about those in this business that aren’t as equipped as the author’s “girls”
“and from what I could tell, mostly enjoyed it. ”
None of the above comments are about personal finance, but very little of the article is either. /shrug
It would have been interesting if he kept it to a PF article, but this is just written to feel better about his choices and to assure himself that the “girls” liked him and their job. Hard to accept a man who talks about sleeping with “girls” for money. I know he does not know their names, but if they are legally adults he should call them women. Especially since he misses the “thrill of meeting a new girl,” which is not at all like meeting a person you respect and admire and want to know or have casual sex with.
I don’t judge sex workers, but I guess I am still judging people who “use their services.” I don’t know how I feel about that for myself.
I had all the same thoughts.
Probably shouldn’t have even been published unless it was for click bait.
” I think prostitution should be legal and can be fun if done properly.”
Did I step into the wrong blog?
I agree fully with your comment Eileen. As a fairly new subscriber, I’m a bit disturbed that this is what passes for personal finance on this blog – a confessional about how he hid money from his wife in order to cheat on her, then justifies it with ” If the industry was legal and somewhat regulated, I feel like women would generally be safer since it is difficult to go to the cops if you are assaulted doing something “illegal”.”
Prostitution is legal in Amsterdam, yet human trafficking still occurs there regularly. More than 100 women in this case here (https://usatoday30.usatoday.com/news/world/2008-07-11-Dutch-human-trafficking_N.htm) were beaten, forced to have abortions or elective surgeries, and probably were there either under coercion or through deception (being told they would work as a maid in a hotel, etc.) And with sex trafficking, often they are taken from their homes as adolescents or young teenagers. We’re talking 10-12 years of age here, often even younger.
The US Dept of State tells us studies show trafficking goes UP when prostitution is legal:
” Where prostitution is legalized or tolerated, there is a greater demand for human trafficking victims and nearly always an increase in the number of women and children trafficked into commercial sex slavery.” “Field research in nine countries concluded that 60-75 percent of women in prostitution were raped, 70-95 percent were physically assaulted, and 68 percent met the criteria for post traumatic stress disorder in the same range as treatment-seeking combat veterans and victims of state-organized torture.”
Also this: “A 2003 study … found that 89 percent of women in prostitution want to escape.”
all citations here: https://2001-2009.state.gov/r/pa/ei/rls/38790.htm
Chances are, the author of this post has used an escort who did not come into the business legally, who was likely raped or physically assaulted at some point, if not frequently, and had a 50% chance of starting this ‘hobby” as a *child*.
I know I am coming off strong, but what the author is using to justify his cheating, lying, hiding money, and abusing women is fantastically horrific. Whether he believed he was abusing them or not is not relevant – remember – prostitutes are trained to act as if they enjoy anything you do to them, and exploited women and children are often beaten by their handlers when they don’t.
I truly think this article is a case of someone trying to make themselves feel better by getting agreement from others. Unfortunately, he’s only helped perpetuate the problem.
“As a fairly new subscriber, I’m a bit disturbed that this is what passes for personal finance on this blog” – sorry you feel that way :( But I am glad you’re chiming in and sharing your thoughts! While this one. def skews more personal in “personal finance”, the whole point of the blog is to open up dialogue on $$$$ and help get things more in the open. This is just one extreme of that (and monday’s post will be around religion and money – something more aligned with my own views – but again, sharing different sides of things.).
Haha – well, I will say you keep me on my toes! I’ve loved everything else you’ve posted so far. :)
Glad to hear! :)
She doesn’t. She only knows I cheated on my first wife and why. I use the term “girls” because they all do.
Seriously – what will be the next link in this “chain”? ;)
Interesting to see this discussion from both sides, though. Prostitution is illegal, but there are many willing to pay. When reading from the sex workers side, there was an aire of empowerment that went along with her story (well, minus the ending). This side of the transaction doesn’t feel quite as empowering. On one hand, you are getting what you want so that is a plus. On the other, you are having to sneak around on someone to get it. I think the first statement was right, “If you’re unhappy in your marriage, fix it or leave.” Sooooo much easier said than done but if you find the guts to do it, you just may be able to have your cake and eat it too. :) Thanks for sharing your story!
Yeah, I found that interesting too actually, even with the comments on this one. Pretty different than the responses from the escort’s side, even though it takes two to make the transaction? There was a part in that article I cringed at and almost deleted from the article where she was going down the hallway of married men’s houses seeing all the pictures on the wall, but for some reason the comments were more pro-legalization of escorting in general.
In any case, that’s the beauty of blogging eh? Lots of sides and opinions :)
So much different than the sleazy image I picture when I hear the word “escort.” Your point of view has been illuminating.
I find it funny to think of these actions as a hobby! I feel sorry for the wife in this situation…how could you share in your husband’s interest to build your relationship! I feel sorry for the second wife because if she has accepted his past…it will become her future.
I may be old fashion but usually a relationship is between 2 people and you share your dreams, goals and interest to build for a better future.
I wonder if he got any of his regulars set up with a Tradition IRA….that might be just to vanilla :)
I meant to ask him that too! If his new wife knows about it… I don’t think I’m open enough to be able to do it myself, but would be interesting to know her thoughts on it if she’s indeed aware.
I also have the same view that if you are not happy in your marriage, you “either fix it or leave.” Life is too short to be unhappy with your life and to just go with the flow. I think that if you are unhappy, find the courage to have an honest and transparent with your partner. Have a civilized discussion and at least try once to find and fix the problem. If all else fails, you can say that you’ve tried your best. Divorce is very expensive. Think twice.
Oh man, that’s crazy! Thanks for being so open about your experience. That seems like an awful lot of money, though. I guess meeting someone at a bar would be cheaper, but you have the chance of them being crazy / getting emotionally invested lol.
Hah!
$200/hour isn’t bad at all. And $3200 for four years is mighty darn thrifty…this is giving me ideas… Are there guys available?! Lol but I’m fair. If I get one, hubby gets one too!!!
You gotta be on the swingers’ blogs for that one ;)
I’m certain if you asked Mr. Anonymous whether he’d want the $3,200 back in exchange for all of his encounters… he’d probably decline. And coming from the perspective of “relationships are too difficult to leave,” that can be true for many people. The gov’t could make a killing from taxes of legalized pot; maybe this isn’t too far down the line?
I have a friend on Facebook who is a legal sex worker (she works at a brothel in Nevada) and openly discusses it nearly every day. It is a whole new world for me (since I have never met someone who openly shared the information she shares). She is a big advocate for sex workers and I think people should be able to do whatever they want to do, as long as it’s safe.
Oh wow… Yeah, i don’t (didn’t?) know anyone in this world either until this last month. A whole different world out there! (And imagine all the others too that are even more secretive?)
Judgement free zone here. Reading that just gives me gratitude to be happily married. It just seems like such a dangerous way to earn a living.
My past has given me a greater appreciation for my wife. As a few have pointed to my statement about “…but there are times I miss the thrill of meeting a new girl”. I would ask them to pull out those stones only if they have never felt some nostalgia for their foolish past only to make them more grateful for what they have now.
This reminds me of the same concept of legalizing marijuana, where if it was better regulated and monitored, then the government could make money instead of spending it on the “war on drugs”
I’m not saying I agree or disagree with the statement, but if it was legal and the girls would be much better protected like the article states.
Very interesting two posts on this topic – never even really thought about this realm before or knew about it.
What a great point of view. I agree that it should be legal.
“but there are times I miss the thrill of meeting a new girl.” This line makes me think there’s not much hope for the second marriage. An established relationship can never compete with the thrill of someone new – so if you want to preserve the marriage, it really is best not to give in to that temptation. Here is what I would say to Mr. Anonymous (whose honesty I appreciate):
Tell your wife about your escorting experience.
Tell her that you recognize that it would have been much, much better for you to have had honest discussions with your first wife about your unhappiness in the marriage.
Tell her that you won’t make the same mistake with her, and that she can count on you always to tell the truth – even when it’s really difficult to do so.
Trust in this message from C.S. Lewis: When the initial thrill of sex dwindles with a spouse, hold on, and know that other thrills will come to both of you. Thrills related to children, work, travel, creative expression … Thrills that won’t come your way if you keep seeking the thrill of sex with a new partner.
I find it interesting that this post has appeared the day after I posted about a similar topic. Clearly, it’s an issue that needs to be addressed.
Mr. Anonymous, thanks for sharing your experience, and I wish you the very best as you move forward.
Never heard that C.S. Lewis line before – good one! Almost as good as your article (hard to NOT click on “Is Sex The New Debt?” haha… can’t believe she didn’t care about the whole plane listening in??)
I had thought that same thing about my first marriage. I figured once I got older things would just settle in, They didn’t. It was a terrible marriage and I’m glad to be out. I have found total and complete honesty to do more harm than good. I have been as honest as I can be with my wife. I’m not sure what telling her more would accomplish.
“my sin was lying about what I was doing. If you’re unhappy in your marriage, fix it or leave.” Here you admit that lying was wrong, and that the better (and honest) approach is to “fix it or leave.” Truth and love do, I believe, need to work together in a marriage. When you say that complete honesty did “more harm than good”, I wonder if you mean that it brought about confrontation? Confrontation is actually a good thing. It can be very unpleasant and trigger all sorts of negative feelings, but if healthy confrontation can be developed (over time, with practice, lots of error along the way), it will be one of the best things you can have going for you in a relationship. I’m glad you’re being honest with your wife. I think that sharing with her about your past will help build in a new accountability for you – since you do admit to “missing the thrill.”
John Smith, I am pro-legalizing prostitution so it can be regulated and it would be a huge blow for human trafficking, but your post made me livid. And I don’t care about paying for sex.
You cheated on your wife and hid the money to do it. I hope you were tested regularly or weren’t having sex at home at all, because I would cut off my husband’s junk and feed it to wild dogs if he exposed me to any of that crap unknowingly. Or if he decided to use OUR money to betray me.
I know several men (and a couple of women) who have hired escorts after being open with their partners and they decided together that it was better for them to get laid elsewhere since that was no longer on the table at home.
Then you decided to take a slap at Nickie for her lack of professionalism. What the hell?
And you admit in the comments that your current wife doesn’t know either…great. :-( Everyone should have the opportunity to choose who they have sex with, and that choice is only fairly made if they have a real idea of what you were exposed to…it’s like you don’t understand that wherever you dip your stick effects all of your other partners too. Wtf?
As I stated, the lying was the worst part of what I did. I wanted to keep my family together, but I was deeply depressed about my marriage. Years of personal and couples counseling did nothing. If I could go back and do it again, I would have just left then hired escorts. Yes I used protection every single time and no I was not having sex with my then wife. That was the problem. As for the “lack of professionalism” I am only speaking as a client. I know what I felt made a better experience and what didn’t for me. Selling drugs, upselling, etc are, in my opinion, unprofessional and extremely dangerous.
+1 for the cheap shot at Nickie’s professionalism
Thank god we have men who can tell us how to better do our jobs and teach us accounting : )
Most clients who hire me or any other upscale escort (aka companion, courtesan, call girl, etc.) say that it’s the best decision that they have made in a very long time and about 98% often return.
The bottom line is that prohibition of sex work hasn’t been any more successful than it was with liquor nearly a century ago.
Here in Chicago area $200 an hour is bargain basement. Most escorts ask at least $300 to $400. I do feel that’s a bit steep as it becomes hobby only the well-heeled can afford.
I do not condone cheating, but I am all for the legalization of sex work. I should know as I have done it for a few years now. Most of the men I see are millionaires and billionaires who are single. They see me as they like choice without commitment. They treat me with kindness and fondness that is hard to find in a “civi” relationship. Since this is a finance blog: Here are the real numbers. $200 is actually very low end. The average start at $500 and the high end averages $1500 an hour with multiple hour bookings. It isn’t for the middle class and at the high end it’s very professional. It’s a fantasy and everyone I know isn’t disallusioned to what it entails. I would consider myself on the more up scale end of the spectrum. Accounting and budging for an escort is paramount for her retirement and future. Our professional life is truly limited and thank god I have a MBA to fall back on. Considering the fantastic opportunity at the high end, I would tell any girl I know to quit her 9-5 and give it a try. You can pick and choose who you see and you don’t have to see attached men. In my world, I make the rules.
Fascinating insight – thank you! Especially the #’s at that level like that – wow. Appreciate you stopping by and taking the time!