Found this old draft in my inbox, and thought it was worth polishing up to better contrast Friday’s “everything is great for people!” post ;)
We all have our wins, but we also have many fails along the way too – and it can 100% suck!! Especially when people go out of their way to tell you so! Haha…
Here’s the post just briefly edited which should help balance things out a bit more… It was originally written in the thick of our M.O.N.E.Y. podcast back in 2016 that I used to co-host with Paula Pant and which has since exploded as “Afford Anything” now. Probably because *I* left it as some like to believe! ;)
We all struggle – don’t let anyone fool you….
******
If you’re feeling down about your finances or career or anything else going on, today’s post is to assure you that you’re not alone :) And that no matter how successful you are, problems (and haters) will still find a way to get you.
I literally got this email a few hours ago which sparked today’s post:
Hi J. Money,
Just one question – how are you so happy all the time?
I’ve been listening to your podcast and keep wondering this.
Anyway – thanks and have a nice week. And the podcast is awesome!
How many times have any of us felt/asked this about someone else? I do it at least 13x a day, and that’s an improvement over the 36x I used to ;)
I assured him that I certainly have my down times just like anyone else, and that perhaps one day we should do a “10 things that suck about our money/life” episode, haha… But as much as I feel like I’m good at divulging all my fails here on the blog, admittedly the podcast itself skews overly optimistic/fun.
Still, it’s important to remember that we all suck at times, and often others will tell you just how much whether you like to hear it or not ;)
Here are a handful of comments off my “Hate Mail” doc that continues to grow as the years pass…
“Today’s post was so worthless and a waste of time”
“I listen to your podcast with Paula. Love her, but you sound like a clueless 16 year old valley girl. Sorry, but to these old ears you sound childish.”
“To be honest, I don’t appreciate the way you come off in your posts. You have an error of arrogance that rubs me the wrong way; there is a fine line between confidence and cockiness and you cross it. And you use language I find inappropriate for a budget/life blog.”
“The content is good, but I’m unsubscribing because I have a difficult time with the grammar style of this blog. I feel like I’m reading text messages, not trying to save for retirement.”
“I don’t really care to read about your life for the few nuggets of financial advice you give. My time is too valuable.”
“Tired of the awesomely awesome hyperbole. It felt like I was listening to a used car salesperson”
“Not the most professional blog.. way too many smiley faces on everything. I also cannot believe you rent! You did introduce me to Rockstar Finance though, so thanks!” (Little did they know I was the one who created it!! Muah ha ha…)
“He says really nice things but looks like a weirdo. But I guess that’s why people like him. He’s like the Miley Cyrus of Finance.”
And then the most recent which concerned me in more ways than one:
“I learned nothing from that article except the writer is a bragging c*nt who is rich and should talk less before the rest of us kill and eat him”
(AND THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I REMAIN ANONYMOUS ONLINE!!! Haha….)
So basically no matter how it looks on the outside, we are ALL dealing with stuff on the inside ;) Not to mention the *actual* stuff you’re going through alongside the colorful commentary!
Here are a few things weighing on me in “real” life presently:
#1. It’s getting harder and harder to keep my projects afloat. The more they grow the more attention they’re demanding, and it’s starting to effect my work/life balance as great as the problem is. I told myself when I had kids that I’m going to stop working nights and weekends, and while I’m a lot closer than I used to be, the work is overflowing into them again. (UPDATE: we’re now on a 20-month-in-a-row record of not opening up my laptop on weekends!! A blogger miracle!!)
#2. It’s getting harder to pay attention to the money-making side of these projects. The more I blog/podcast/build things, the less I want to deal w/ making money off them because all of these have always been hobby first, business later. But seeing how I now have a family of four to support, I can’t exactly ignore it ;) (UPDATE: I’m still ignoring it… with a family of 5 now, hah.)
#3. I feel like I’m not using my full potential. Maybe I’m just not thinking of things the right way, but for the past 6-12 months I’ve felt like something is missing and I can’t put my finger on it. It was just a small feeling at first as I know we’re all trying to “figure it out,” but as the months continue to pass the pangs of unsettledness has grown along with it. (UPDATE: I still feel this way many days and haven’t found a good solution to it yet…. Part of me is proud for how much I’ve unhooked from the hustling world, but the other feels like it’s squandering all the potential for really doing something GOOD in the community together, and I often miss the days of Love Drop and working towards something bigger than myself. Plus, it would be amazing to include my kids now in doing something powerful for others!)
#4. My wife is having a horrible time getting back into the workforce. It’s now officially been a year since she got her PHD, and outside of a few leads and interviews here and there nothing major has panned out. On the plus side she’s spending gobs of hours hanging out and loving all over our kids (we pulled them out of daycare last year to save $2,000 month – crazy!), but I can tell it’s starting to get to her which of course effects our family in turn :( And only adds to the importance of me making more money from my projects! (UPDATE: She’s now been in the workforce going on 3 years with multiple raises and back to feeling her confident self again! Go wifey!!)
So how does one cope with it all? The feeling of failure and struggle?
Well, I obviously haven’t figured it out yet, but here are a few things that DO help keep me a little sane… Maybe they’ll work for you too? :)
- I keep a list of all the NICE things people say about me too. I literally have a google doc where I copy and paste all the kind words people have said about me or my projects over the years. Anytime I’m having an unusually hard day, I open it up and try to make myself feel better! Doesn’t always work, but it definitely helps lessen the sting…
- I keep a list of all the accomplishments I’ve done. I featured some of them at the start of my 100 things list the other month (still at #26 – another fail!), but the beautiful part about these guys is that no matter what someone does or says, no one can take them away from you. Once you’ve accomplished them, you’ve accomplished them, and you can forever be proud of yourself! (This helps with the “potential” problem too since you can at least see how hard you’ve been working :))
- I remember how happy I am just *to be alive.* This is probably the biggest reason of all why I tend to be happier than not: any morning I wake up “with breath,” as a friend likes to say, I can’t help but be thankful! Incredibly cheesy, but incredibly true!! Because even on our worst of days it’s better to be FEELING $hitty than feeling nothing at all! It means we’re alive!
All this to say, everyone struggles. What makes the difference is how you cope with it. Sometimes we’re better at it than others, but please by no means think you’re alone in this or that it’s not normal!
You have to have the lows in order to have the highs!! They wouldn’t be highs if they were all that way!! :)
I also find it’s helpful to “stop comparing your raw footage to everyone else’s highlight reel” as my friend Shannyn likes to say. Because rarely do you see the entire picture when it comes to blogs or Facebook or any other forms of social media that’s cropping up. No matter how awesome or happy someone looks on the outside, they’ve all got their issues just like anyone else.
So remember that you’re never alone in this. Everyone struggles!
Do your best today and start a fresh new one tomorrow!
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I love the optimistic tone of your blog, wish I could be more like that myself. And I really like the idea of keeping a list of nice things people have commented about my blog, sounds like a great motivator when times are tough and you just don’t feel like writing.
Keep it up dude.
Thanks man! Both lists actually come in handy a lot – highly recommend :)
I’ve failed so many times I might actually be succeeding! Har har! I’m one of those folks that tends to be pretty self critical, but I’m trying to become less so. I’m a work in progress. ;)
And I love your optimism J$! Even when I’ve had a rough day or some financial project doesn’t turn out, I always try to remind myself how much worse it could be. Optimism is the only way forward.
Gotta focus on the positives!
You know it! And if some days just suck the life out of you, well, there’s always the next if you’re lucky enough to have it :)
hi J. Money, honestly I don’t understand the negativity of so much which is online – even if I thought a blog post was flawed it would take a lot for me to comment to say so and I would only do that if I honestly thought it was helpful (which is very rare). I reckon most negative commenters are basically just trying to offload their own insecurities onto someone else in order to make themselves feel better and more powerful. I’m so glad you have kept going anyway and your blog is and always has been brilliant!! Thanks for this post, it’s very honest. xx
I’m glad you enjoyed it :) I just hope all those people send as much *love* around as they do hate! They’ve definitely got some enthusiasm, haha…
I think you rock! I appreciate how you share your world and you’ve gotten me to think about and pay attention to my money. I’m thankful. I can’t believe people have the balls to tell you how you make them feel and how you should act because of it. Wow! Anyway. Keep on keeping on
You know I will!
And I’m proud of you for still paying attention to that $$$ all these years!!! It’s been a pleasure getting to know you over them :)
It’s crazy how brave people are online. They’ll say things they’d never say to your face. I’ve had some of those comments sent my way too.
It’s cool you keep a list of the good and the bad. I’ll get 30 great comments and 1 bad one. Which one do I focus on? Yup. The bad one. It’s human nature.
I’m learning not to take them personally. In most cases, the person spewing out the hate has a miserable life themselves. If this somehow makes them feel better, I guess we serve a purpose in their lives. That’s a stretch. But hey. It’s all about being optimistic, right?
Keep doing what you’re doing, man.
Would love to hear some of your hate mail sometimes! That always helps you feel better too, hearing what others are going through in the same field :)
Relative to yours, mine is very tame. But you have a much bigger following and have been at it a lot longer. I was told by a couple of veteran bloggers that hateful comments are a sign you’ve arrived. Haha. I guess I should feel good about that.
100%!
Thank you for the post. Your positivity and gratitude is infectious!
Thanks Bob!
Fantastic, thank you for the great post. It is always great to meet the real person behind the blog, with the ups and sometimes downs. I love your not opening the laptop project. I should try it.
I hope you do!! Try it out this weekend and just see what happens. I can almost assure you the world won’t explode! ;)
Oh my, J is a mortal and a human being that can harbor a negative thought pattern once in a while. Thank goodness. One cannot appreciate the highs without walking through a couple of low spots once in a while. The lows shine a light on blind spots so they can be worked on.
JFK said it best. The best time to repair the roof is when the sun is shining.
As for the haters, they’ll always be there and our smiling and success fuels their craft.
“The best time to repair the roof is when the sun is shining” – I like that! Hadn’t come across that before, thank you :)
J always keeping it real! That is why I have been a reader for the past 8+years and look forward to reading your post.
Heyyy so cool!! 8 years – wow, thank you!
Not an “error of arrogance,” though! If you’re going to be mean, at least make sure you’re using the right words smh.
I’m so glad you don’t let negativity stop you. Your blog is one of the first PF blogs I found and the only one from that time that I still keep up with. You’ve helped me a lot, and I’m truly grateful.
The hurtful things people say online really shock me sometimes. It’s like they forget (or don’t care) that there’s a real person on the other side.
I know :(
People are just quick to say things without thinking them through all the way… Which is sad with the internet as you have plenty of time to formulate your thoughts vs in real life! Haha…
Man I’m such a huge fan of yours! You an add that to your google doc! lol! I REALLY don’t understand why people write such hateful things. If you hate a podcast, turn it fucking off! IT’S THAT SIMPLE!!! lol!! I appreciate you and the work you’ve always done and I appreciate your honesty. I’m generally pretty happy to but I have daily struggles as well! Life is hard, but there is always so much to be grateful for!
Amen, friend!! And you know I’m a huge fan of yours too and those dang videos you get me hooked on every last time!
Yeap, we all have problems. I just choose to forget most of the bad stuff and remember the goods. I can’t believe you keep all those comments. I usually delete them pretty quickly.
It’s better to be optimistic and see the brighter side of life.
They come in handy sometimes :)
“I remember how happy I am just *to be alive.*”
I’ve been tackling a cold this week and it’s been a great reminder to be grateful for the ability to breathe without thinking about it! It took me over an hour to eat a salad last night because you know the feeling when you can’t breathe and eat at the same time and you feel like a mad cow chomping on it’s cud and everyone around you is just trying to be nice and not tell you to go eat in the bathroom? Yeah, it’s the little things :)
Honestly, I try to focus on what people are saying who I care about. If someone I love/respect/trust is telling me I’m being a dumbass jerk, I’m going to listen up. If some random anonymous hater is telling me the same thing and I can’t seem to let it go, I may check in with someone in that love/respect/trust category, but if those people are confirming my vibe is good…well, there’s a reason they are in that category and they win the battle.
Good point on *where* the comments are coming from… Solid advice right there!
PS. I created my own 100 things list thanks to your post on it and have knocked off about 25 of them so thank you for your creativity and willingness to share!
Oh damn – you are on fire!! Just like your little icon over there! ;)
Oh man, the hate mail excerpts! I wish we could all abide by the “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all” mantra.
Glad you’re not paying them any mind, and for the record, I think the casual tone/smiley faces/dad jokes are AWESOMELY AWESOME.Because sometimes people take finances waaaay too seriously, so you’ve gotta lighten it up a bit :)
That’s what I’m saying, haha…
What’s funny is that I literally have a category here on the blog labeled “Awesomely Awesome” too ;)
https://budgetsaresexy.com/category/awesomely-awesome/
I love it! And so true. Whenever the Internet retirement police or the Twitter mob come after me, I try to just be understanding and figure out where they are coming from. Almost inevitably, they are struggling with something personal in their lives and are taking it out on someone else.
You just never know what someone is going through, so I think it’s best to just be empathetic and kind. Obviously defend your honor if you come under unreasonable attack.
Fight on and keep things positive!
Sam
You know it, brother….
Been awesome being connected with you for almost a decade now too btw – how wild is that?!
Wild indeed! We are the grandpas of personal finance now. But not sure that buys us too much respect. LOL.
I love the guy who said you have an “error of arrogance.” I think he meant “aura” so the fact that he used “error” is just hilarious. FWIW, I’ve never had the desire to kill and eat you after reading your blog. That dude needs to take some anger management classes. And maybe an anti-cannibalism class?
That one probably made me laugh the most out of all of them haha… So descriptive and scary at the same time!
Think about all the people you have helped though. I mean I’ll admit sometimes I read a post and think I’ll pass on commenting or I’ll skim and think meh this one was a soft ball. But you know, that’s not to say those posts aren’t exactly what someone else needed on that day, especially with so many people out there in so many different phases of life.
Honestly have no idea what the cocky comment was about, part of what I actually like about this blog is the way you come across. I stopped reading MMM a long time ago because I can’t stand his arrogant and sanctimonious writing. I feel like you are the opposite of that.
My thinking is that a lot of them come from *outside* sources and not within our community, so if you’re not in the “money mindset” like we all are and you’re hit with a net worth post or something I guess it can come off wrong… I see it a lot with mainstream media too where all of a sudden I’ll get a stream of hate after a post goes viral there, but it’s always MUCH worse on the media sites themselves so I don’t even dare read those comments anymore, haha… Which you know is hard for me as I always want to respond back to people! :)
Takes building up a thick skin to let some of those negative comments brush off that easily – nice work. On the other side, any feedback is good feedback too – at least people are responding!
Back at my last job we used to take these ugly comments and turn them into beautiful desktop backgrounds. Imagine a stunning vista with a quote in a stylish font – but that comment was something as trivial as “your site suxxx, y u not have content on ThingOnlyIWant – AnnoyingGuy” (it was always a guy). Something about seeing those comments in that context just made me laugh and it was so much easier to get over them.
That is hilarious!! I need you to make me some off these comments, haha…
Awesome(ly awesome) idea! ;)
I’m sure someone has probably already mentioned this but negative comments are more of a reflection of the person offering them than it is a reflection of the person they’re directed to. Your success in blogging is definitely tied to who you are as a person and the easy.going positivity you project. Rock on!!!!
Thank you, John – appreciate that!
Oh my god, those comments you quote… How entitled are these people. The voice/vibe/aura rubbing them the wrong way, their time too valuable (which they wasted even further to write that comment)… yeah, so? it’s happened to me too, to have objections like that about a blog, and I just leave them be with their public, no need to make a fuss.
For my part I enjoy this positive side of yours, because I clearly don’t have it and I wish I could pull it off. I enjoy “the not too serious” side too, and it might even be just what I needed to even enter the PF/FI world.
I do the list of nice things too. Mostly e-mails thanking me for my job, or e-mails with good times with my friends there. The other two… I still have work to do.
I’m glad you’re in our PF world now!! It’s what got me into it too – hearing about this stuff from normal people talking in a normal way :) And then seeing peoples’ real $$$ #’s was just mind blowing too! Which is why I do it myself each and every month!
Thanks J for the post!
It’s hard sometimes to stay positive. Why do you think some people are so hateful and spiteful online?
I see some of the people in the Twitter FIRE space really get nasty towards each other. So sad.
The best and biggest sites like yours stay about the fray. The crappiest sites like their stay crappy bc nobody cares and wants to be around their negativity.
I think people just need to vent and it’s so easy to do online where you can get away with it without much consequences (other than hurting the other person)… Even when you can understand it though it’s still sad that you’re expending all this energy towards hate vs kindness…. It’s the same thing that gets me with hackers and smart people who do bad things. If only they used their forces for good to do something that ads value to the world!
Wow! The sheer audacity of some people is truly spectacular. Some of those comments are brutal.
I initially heard about your blog from either Money magazine or Kiplinger (woot! woot!) a number of years ago now. And I largely owe turning my finances around to you and this blog. I’ve been tracking my own net worth monthly ever since. I was doing some good things before, but the net worth tracking was a huge push. And your style of writing is what’s been keeping me coming back reading all these years since. Personal finance encompasses so much more than just the money, and I feel your blog captures that extremely well.
Since I just recently went to a Kansas concert, “Carry on my wayward son”.
P.S. I’d love to one day meet you in person and have a beer with you! :D
I’d love that too, man! You’ll have to come out to FinCon one of these years and then we can share a beer with everyone else you read too! :) Thanks for always being so positive in the community!
Oh man! That would be awesome! :D I’ll keep an eye out for when the next one is near me.
Thank you for writing this post. Financial blogs are sometimes like Facebook, where you just see the wonderful parts. Yours is nicely balanced. Honestly, when I read Mr.MoneyMustache I just feel like a loser. I mean, here is is super retired, killing it on real estate, all this free time, and a multi-millionaire. I just feel behind, plus I’m not nearly as good at being frugal, riding my bike etc.
The less I compare myself to others, to paraphrase the Indigo Girls – “the closer I am to fine”
Haha yup!
I don’t come close to being a mustachian myself either – so you’re not alone over there ;)
Hard to not judge yourself though even though you know it’s not good…
Even a “side hustle millionaire” struggles with something. It may not be personal finances, but they might struggle with real-world issues such as issues with family members, keeping relationships afloat, etc. I’m a firm believer almost everybody has something with them they need to work on and struggle with.
Truth.
Hey – great post. It’s a little hard in this day and age of “everything is awesome” social media to remember that not every day is great always. I’m like a lot of commenters here – life seems to lurch from one failure to the next.
To quote Winston Churchill “Success is going from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm.”
If that’s the case I am succeeding almost everyday!
Heyo!!! Haha…
It might be time to put together a Resume of Failures! Where the more you can add the better! ;)
Good grief, that “Hate Mail” looks so ridiculous to me! I love your blog and your style, and find it refreshing to see financial literacy and its practical application presented in such a down-to-earth way. You are the real thing!
Thank you Avicado!!
Wow. I think that’s the best part about your blog, your optimism and humor. I always look forward to reading your post because of how you keep thing real, and fun. Who wants to read another boring facts only blog. We all know the facts, it is what you do with it is where the story is. Pay no attention to those nay sayers. Keep up the great work!
“We all know the facts, it is what you do with it is where the story is.” – amen to that!!
Glad you’re still finding it fun!! :)
People want the topic of finance and money to be surrounded by negativity because it absolves them from being people with shitty behaviors. They don’t have to fix themselves because if everyone is like that, then they are just normal. They try to obtain normalcy by either changing their environment to fit themselves or find a place where they won’t be excluded because of who they are. It is a sad way to live but anything can change, I hope they come around and start to see the beauty in having a positive outlook, not just on money but on life in general.
Agreed :) Life is too short to be pissy all the time.
Hi J, I just read all the negative comments – wow, some people just feel superior don’t they? I enjoy your blog every chance I get and I feel you are both encouraging and informative, plus honest. Thank you for what you do! On the flip side, I struggle with a lot too. The point is to keep moving forward. If you do that, that’s all you can do. Just keep moving forward, or sometimes just keep moving. In other words, don’t stop and let whatever you are struggling with “win”.
p.s. a couple of years ago, I too started a “100s list”! I did about 57 of them, but have let this slide. I need to pick it back up. Thanks for the reminder (and smiley faces are a good thing if not done too much). Let haters be haters.
Awesome you started a list too!! They’re always fun, especially in the moment before life gets back in the way again :)
In the comments on my Google Talk, there is this gem:
“Fat fuck. Vanguard pimp.”
Hard to argue with, except the “pimp” part. If I’m pimping Vanguard shouldn’t they pay me??
haha…. we’d all be able to retire 3x over if that were the case!
Oh my on some of those emails!! I subscribe to the practice of, if I don’t like it, I leave it be. I don’t understand the reasoning behind commenting & cutting someone down. What doesn’t kill us…
Nice work on the google doc! I keep all my client thank you emails and kind words in a folder on my computer. Revisiting them can brighten a rough day.
Keep on keeping on J$. I love your witty, informal, smiley face, texty & financially savvy way of writing;)
Haha…
*goes to copy/paste that right into the LOVE folder!*
love you right back!
Sweet! #MissionAccomplished
What’s up J. Money!
I can’t believe people are that nasty and so F$%^%& crazy!
You were awesome in that Podcast. You came across as a very down to earth guy that would take any question and work it as needed.
Not only that, but despite the fact I have never met you personally you always show a lot of respect for your audience and are extremely approachable.
Keep up the awesomeness and brush off those haters. Their major goal in life is probably saving enough money to buy a “cool looking car.”
Haha, thanks Small Budget Retirement …
The openness and positivity of the community is what got ME so in love with the place, so I def. try to keep the same thing going in any of my projects! I love our spot here on the internet no matter what jokers try to invade! ;)
Ok I have to know, WHY do you keep a hate mail doc? I get as far as starring nice comments in my inbox but I haven’t even created a doc for that. Definitely have no intention of doing it for the negative ones ;)
They come in handy sometimes :)
I realize it’s an older post, but still a good read. Some of those negative comments, especially the last… wow.
To the last point, I think it’s important we all see comparison as a tool and not let it get under our skin. Negative comparison can be unhealthy, while positive comparison — like that of your mentor guiding you to learn new skills through encouragement and filling in gaps, is good for us. Competition can certainly be healthy.
But, comparison can be the thief of joy–if we let it. Have to set those healthy expectations.